find the forgotten

It's "just" me and Jesus, so often. That doesn't mean every moment of my life has no sin, no imperfection...the more I dive into God the more I find that the anchors of my flesh hold me back from depth, and I don't go surface I just have to wait to shed them before going below some more...but, it is just me and Jesus, and this pathetic life I give Him somehow gives Him pleasure, somehow He loves having died for me, just so I might give Him a portion of me and hope to strive for all of me...He actually does come meet me even when I'm flippin' stupid, fulfilling His promise "kindness leads us to repentance."


Over and over again I battle a depression Satan wishes to bind me into...many things in my personal world the last few months and years have nearly killed me, and my aching heart sometimes needs the heart of Jesus just to actually physically beat, besides all the soul remedies...and yet, I arise victorious. Yet, though I sometimes look toward lesser things to fulfill me, He comes and advances the Kingdom into me. Though I get angry and I get sad, though as a grown man I sometimes need 5 minutes alone so I can just cry; He takes this week, pathetic vessel, this uncondemmed man and gives me fresh life over and over again. Paul said in Romans we shouldn't prove grace through habitual sin, but I think that even if we did try to do that, His love wouldn't stop. (Just in case: I'm not excusing that and I'm not in bondage to sin...at least not the "big" ones that are external anyway, like drugs and alcohol and pornography...but I find sin in my heart even if I don't do anything that anyone can see, and I find that stuff to be worse anyway) Psalms 139 says we could make a bed in hell, and even there He would find us...and though I don't have plans to go on vacation at the Satan 6 ---I find a Jesus that loves me so much that I almost want to tell Him sometimes that He shouldn't.

So, what can I really say? Can I say I am all I want to be? Yeah right. Can I say I've done what I aspire to do? Nope. Can I say that I possess a corporate driven ministry that is full of lots of church transfers and has money and a bunch of architecture? Thank God, no I can't. Truly, like a tree cut to the stump, it's just me and Jesus. All over again. I'm not trying to be noble or sound good, honestly sometimes I do wish to do more, have more, succeed more...but I can't think of anything I've done that really matters...except, that I know that I love Jesus, and the greatest reason I want to minister to men is that by the end of the day, me and my fellow man will go back to Him, and He again is the reward.